In this part of my analysis of the strained relationship between men and romantic fiction, I’ll look at some of the typical core features and why they turn men off.

In the first part, I closed things off with the thought that men don’t mind romantic elements as subplots in their books. So, why aren’t men fond of full-scale romantic fiction? In this post, I’ll delve into some elements that seem to be frequent in romantic fiction that aren’t favored by men.

“I can fix him”

If there’s one thing men dislike when dating, it’s when the woman tries to change them in their image. A joke in my country says “A woman marries, hoping she changes for the better, in vain. A man marries, hoping she won’t try to change him, in vain.” While we can understand trying to encourage some kind of positive change – such as encouraging someone to quit smoking or excessive drinking – some people take it in more drastic directions, such as discouraging their partner’s favorite activities or hanging out with (specific) friends they don’t approve of, for whatever reasons. And, in extreme cases, completely molding their lifestyle in their own idea of perfection.

The typical situation is when the woman puts a lot of her energy into someone who isn’t interested in a committed relationship, doing her best to “fix” him and believing that he’ll change and become a great partner, despite the countless obvious (to men) signs that this is extremely unlikely to happen. I’ve seen questions like “He cheated on his three previous partners, how can I prevent him from cheating on me?” – the logical answer is often simple: don’t date him, date someone who’s loyal by nature.

This becomes a point where male and female escapism are in direct contradiction. For women, the escapism element that makes fiction better than reality is that the guy “overcomes” his “bad” traits and changes for her. Which is understandable in the abovementioned examples. But those traits are often a part of their personality so much that, to many men, this is simply an absurdly dumb expectation, more so if they’re minor things or not something men would consider a flaw (such as expensive and/or nerdy hobbies). Plus, men’s side of escapism in romantic stories is being loved as they are, our flaws included, not being molded like clay. A story that promotes the man being changed by and for the woman will, obviously, not appeal to men.

Love “triangles”

Another typical element – especially if the story isn’t very short – is a love triangle. It’s a way to add drama and suspense while staying in the main theme (romance). However, quite often, the result is that she chooses to try and change (see above) the “bad boy” who seems more exciting, while the more “ordinary” man simply isn’t exciting and alluring enough, despite the fact that his approach to her might be healthier long-term. At least at first, because in many cases, this character devolves into some cringeworthy and desperate attempts to win her over (in vain, of course).

What problems do love triangles pose from the male view, aside from those mentioned in the first section?

A good number of men would say that they’d like their relationship to be free of pointless drama and to avoid their time being wasted. This is a tricky part – fiction would be boring to read without drama, and pure romance needs to have the drama come from that direction. However, as I mentioned, that goes quite against what men want from relationships.

Often, it’s predictable from the beginning who she’s going to choose (as I mentioned before, commercial romance is a risk-averse genre), so the other guy is just wasting his time instead of looking for someone who’d appreciate his time and effort. I understand that it’s sometimes hard to give up hope – but there’s a point after which it gets dumb, and romance often goes way past that point. Let’s not forget the fact that the underdog character is much easier for the average man to connect to than the character the woman tends to choose.

Another aspect is that, in many cases, the “bad boy” type of character repeatedly keeps crossing boundaries that clearly show a lack of respect – yet is rewarded for it rather than facing repercussions (obviously, this issue isn’t limited to love triangles but an issue in romance as a whole). Especially these days, this leads to a weird situation when there’s a lot of talk about consent and boundaries, yet there’s a whole genre where characters are rewarded for not respecting them.

Likewise, if the woman has already decided who she wants to be with – usually obvious by the difference in how much time she spends with each of the two – it makes her hard to sympathize with. Often, when she spends time with the “other” guy, it’s to try and nudge the “primary” guy to get his acts up (towards the change she wants him to make) and thus the other guy is simply a “useful idiot”. As a result, the whole image to a man is of three people, all very dysfunctional: an attractive “bad boy” trying to dodge commitment as long as he can, a “boring” guy unable to see he doesn’t have a realistic chance, and a woman who’s manipulating both guys for her selfish goals of changing one of them in her image.

Maybe the reception would be better in case of a balanced love triangle, but I honestly don’t believe such a thing is even possible. If you’ve seen any, you’re welcome to mention it in the comments.

Low stakes

One feeling I have about standalone romance as someone who enjoys romantic subplots in fantasy or Sci-Fi is that it feels like the stakes are low. After all, there isn’t much depending on the success of the romantic plot, in the grand sheme of things. If you compare it to a story where the main point is to stop a tyrant hell-bent on world domination or an alien invasion, the failure has much higher stakes in those.

I’ve talked about this before so I’ll just sum this part up: in my opinion, romance works much better as a supporting element to show more about characters facing a larger threat – for which their love is a realistic strength (a powerful motivator) and a weakness (something to exploit by the antagonist) in one package.

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Books where romance is a supporting element have a major advantage from the male point of view: the dramatic part comes from something else than the romantic elements, which gives the romantic aspects a chance to be calmer and the lack of fabricated drama leads to a healthier relationship. I’ll delve deeper into further aspects of unhealthy relationships promoted by romantic fiction in some future continuation of this series.